Video games have given players many great and magnificent weapons with which to topple villains and save the day, from the destiny-defying Soul Reaver of Legacy of Kain to the time-warping Eternal Sword from the Tales series. However, not all swords are forged equal. Some are poorly-suited to be swords at all, some have abilities with deadly drawbacks and some are just straight-up too evil to use.
These issues may or may not make these swords impossible to wield in their respective fictional worlds but, in reality, they would all be deal-breakers for any sword master worth their steel. Here are the five worst offenders in the regard.
The first Xenoblade Chronicles has one of gaming's most unique weapons, so it's a shame that the sequel's sword has so many problems. While Pyra is an excellent character, her blade has a critical design flaw that would make it impossible to use: it constantly emits flames towards its user. Worse still, they are constantly angled down at the very hands that grip the hilt, and only get bigger and stronger as the weapon outputs more power. Considering the Aegis' fire can melt solid steel, one can only imagine what it would do to flesh.
This problem never appears in-game, presumably because it would be a very short game if the protagonist's hands melted upon trying to hold their sword. Still, the Aegis has other issues. Its awkward shapes make it an ineffective weapon if its flames are ever quenched, and its life-sharing power leaves much to be desired. Saving wielders from death sounds fantastic, but the nature of the pact means killing one partner will end the other too. Pyra's Aegis can do amazing things, but it comes with too many caveats to really match the Monado.
The Keyblade is Kingdom Hearts' most iconic weapon, but also the most unusable. Its shape is ill-fit for cutting or thrusting, and the head is too unwieldy to make for a good mace instead. The chain at the bottom would flick about in battle, hitting wielder and foe alike, and its thick guard would throw off the user's strikes by pressing into their wrist. As a result, anyone using it would be as likely to injure themselves as they are to hurt their opponent.
Even the evolved forms aren't much of an improvement, no matter how pretty they may be. The sheer volume of extraneous details and accessories further undermine its cutting potential, and the inward-facing guard problem would be exacerbated by all spikes, knobs and other uncomfortable edges digging into one's flesh. Clearly, magic is the only reason why they're effective, because otherwise these misshapen muddles of metal could never be useful in a real fight.
Gunblades are a fantastic concept. Swords and guns are both cool, so combining them should make the coolest weapon ever. Unfortunately, that's not what this is. In Final Fantasy VIII, the Gunblade is a sword with a firing mechanic that makes it vibrate, dealing extra damage whenever the trigger is pulled. This makes for a novel game mechanic but, in reality, it would render the weapon impossible to effectively wield.
Because there's no downside to having more power, wielders would have no reason not to pull the trigger with every attack. Since one must load bullets into it to produce vibrations, Squall would likely be out of ammo before he got halfway through a Limit Break. This is to say nothing of how difficult swinging and firing would be in a prolonged battle. A real gun's recoil can cause injuries, and nothing about the Gunblade's design suggest it wouldn't do the same. Ultimately, it begs the question of why what is effectively a glorified chainsaw requires this mechanic when a battery and an on/off switch would do the same job far better.
At first glance, the Dark Flow doesn't look that bad. Its design is bulky, but not too egregious, and its ability to launch projectiles gives it some versatility. The problem is that it's a pandemic waiting to happen. Dark Flows are created by infesting regular swords with the Parasitic Gene "Flow," an alien virus derived from Phantasy Star's recurring space demon Dark Falz. This turns victims into bloodthirsty eldritch abominations -- and there's no cure for the infected.
Falz's cells corrupt everything from fauna to objects to machines, and it only takes the slightest contact to parasitize a host; like the unlucky man from which the Gene is extracted. The lore describes this mutation as slow, painful and frighteningly contagious. Though the afflicted can be contained and killed, the Flow being made from such dangerous material makes it too risky to be worth using. This is presumably why Sega never legitimately released the weapon, though some private servers allow for it. However, given what it's made from, one must wonder if that was really the best idea.
Soul Edge is simultaneously amazing and completely worthless. Being a shapeshifting super-weapon brimming with enough power to conquer the world, it makes sense why so many characters in the Soulcalibur series want to get their hands on it. Unfortunately, it's also inhabited by a sentient demonic being that will control the wielder's body, twist their flesh into an inhuman parody of its former self and, ultimately, turn even the most noble heroes into nightmarish agents of annihilation.
This may sound similar to the Dark Flow, but what makes Soul Edge worse is that it's far more proactive. Unlike Dark Falz, who's content to sit back and watch the world burn, this sword forces its wielders to go out and light the flames. Any hopes or dreams one might have had are drowned beneath an ocean of bloodshed, and even those who escape its grasp remain haunted for the rest of their days. Soul Edge might not be the most powerful or poorly-designed weapon on this list, but the danger it poses to mind, body and soul make it by far the most impractical.
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